Random Midnight Crap

I am confused. With myself.
Do I care or not care?
All the shit happening in my life.
The work mostly. Students, specifically.

Well sometimes I feel that I really really care, other times, not so.
Isn't that strange?
And I was so disheartened when being criticized by them.
I want to die, not literally, though.
It's just... that moment, it was so horrible.
I gave up. I am not proud of myself but there was nothing much I can do.
I was shut out of their world from the very first day, when I stepped inside the room.
I was never in.

They put all the blame on me.
I am bad-tempered, my lessons are boring and they are teenagers in an international school.
Does that even make sense to you?
If I was stronger, I'd have ask "So?"
But I didn't. and I regretted it.
I am ashamed of doubting myself. Why should I?
They don't care about my feelings.
They don't care about anything besides themselves.
Yes, that is how pathetic they are.

I am a better person.
I can look them in the eye and say " I did not do you wrong."
Can they do the same?
I thought I got over it, apparently not.
It's going to be a scar and it's going to be there forever.
A ghost, haunting me.
A reminder to make me a stronger person, to never let them crumble my confidence.

I just want to do my job

Well in case you don't already know, I finally found a new job.
Am I happy? Yes... and no.
I'm happy because I can stop the 'doing nothing at home' life.
On the contrary, I'm not happy because this job s***ed bad.
You must want to say: all jobs or probably most of the jobs s***ed.

I however, am not complaining about the work scope or even the pathetic amount of my salary.
It's the PEOPLE.
Yes, I might be a tad anti-social but I've been friendly to all.
Then here comes the backstabbers, the poker faces, the duty avoiders, the limelight cravers and whatnots.
But I'm telling you these are not the worst people to be deal with, because then you'll have the students.

Oh yeah~ the LOVELY students and THEIR PARENTS.
They are, in my humble point of view, the core of all problems.
I can't say that I was the good student but I was no troublemaker as well.
I don't give teachers hell.
Wonder what's happened to respecting teachers.
Does not exist in this school. That I can be absolutely positive.
As much as I want to be diplomatic and flexible in class, nobody seems to be appreciating it.
All I need is some moments of silence and peace, for them to listen when I talk.
Somehow it's a very difficult task to them. They don't even care to at least pretend to listen.
I'm so sick with all the screaming and reprimanding and deep down I know it's not working at all.
So I've stopped to care. It's never the type of teacher I wanted to be but they give me no choice.
These so-called privileged students are pain in the a**.
Being rich doesn't give you the rights to be the worst kind of students in the world.

From now on, they can rot because it'll no longer get to me or affect me in any ways.
The BRAINLESS boss who only cares for money-making can fire me if he's unhappy because even he doesn't show respect to teachers.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is I just want to do my job.
Apart from that.... I DON'T F***ING CARE.

My favourite author

Have I ever mentioned who my favourite author is?
Probably not. You might not know that I actually read.

Well it all started one day some 7 or 8 years ago.
A book was laying there all by itself and I decided to give it a chance.
I did not regret it. In fact, I am glad that I read it.
I was unwilling to put it down until I've savoured the very last bit of it.
It was that addictive.

The words seem alive. So much emotions.
They reach into your heart, in my case, soul.
I can feel them so deeply.
It was like a roller coaster ride only better.
The stories were written so tragically yet in a beautiful way.
And that was the feeling that's going to stay in me for as long as I live.

Some might see his stories as cliches. Almost predictable.
They might be right.
But it is how he'd written them that made each of it special in its own way .
The words he used and that he dwelled into each character as if they really exist.
His stories never once failed me.
Moved me into tears every single time.
Reading his books and letting my emotions come pouring out without holding back just feels awfully right.
It is one thing that I truly enjoyed doing alone.

He'd covered so many aspects in his books. Sending positive messages.
Life is not perfect. But there are so much more in life that's worthwhile if we have faith.
And there are times we need to sacrifice without expecting anything in return.
There will always be regrets in life, but those are the precious memories that we'll never forget.
These were the important lessons I've come to realized from his books.

Before it slipped my mind.
The author who'd affected me in so many ways is none other than----- Nicholas Sparks

(p/s: the lonely little book was 'Message in the Bottles')

The melancholic me

Been feeling nothing but melancholy.
Like I'm living in one of those sad movies.
Waiting to be rescued from a self-created bottomless pit by some brave soul.

What can I say? It's the emotional me who'd come out to play.
Can't fight it. It's eating me.

Based on my experience, it's not going away unless something really good happens.
Obviously nothing happened because I'm still listening to depressing songs and sing along at the top of my lungs.

Unique way to begin a new year huh?
Speaking of which, this is actually my first post in year 2012.
Well done me! Thought I wouldn't write anything, at least not so soon.
You must want to ask, or... not. Why this state of mind.
I have no fricking idea, or maybe I do but I'm just not telling you.
What I can actually deduce from all the experiences is that it attacks me periodically.
That's all I can reveal.
Irritating I know.

Interestingly, I have found something a tad more irritating than my feelings.
People keep on saying the world is coming to an end.
All that fear, paranoia or even anticipation. Which is pathetic! Pardon the lack of a better word.
A clock for 'the' grand countdown has literally set up in who cares which country.
The point is, what's the point even if the end of the world is probably approaching.
We are still living the same life, aren't we?
So I say, stop freaking out and wise up you fools!

To those whom I care and love, family and friends.
Happy new year and have a good one.

What more do you expect?

I just can't stop writing negative things.
They are always there!
Feeling so damn crappy now.
Don't know what else to do to make things better.
Nothing affects me as much as my family.
Sometimes things are out of control.
It just happened.
Am I disappointed?
Yes.
Because of what she thinks of us over a small matter.
Are we not good enough? Maybe.
But how much is enough?
We are not perfect. You are not perfect.
So tell me who is?
One problem leads to another.
Endless.
We still love you. I still love you regardless.
It's hurting badly. The way you see us hurt me so bad.
I just want the pain to go away and be happy together. Again.

A Huge Relief

Thank God! It's great to know that my mum's medical report is good.
Been brooding about it for the past week.
It's like lifting a giant nasty rock off my chest.
Feels awesomely great!
Think I can breathe better now.
It's time to get on with whatever I'm about to begin and stay focus.
Cheers~=D

Faith

Bad things happen. They always do.
More than we expected.

Question is, what can we do about it?
Let me tell you.
As depressing as it might sound, most of the time, there's absolutely nothing we can do.
Better still, when Fear decides to knock on your door.
Now isn't that lovely?
Seeing Depression and Fear walking side by side, reaching their hands to you.

Then out of the blue, Faith appears.
Like a knight in shining armour.
Trying its utmost best to drive Depression and Fear away.
But it couldn't do it alone, not till we believe in it.

I know I need to. Just isn't sure if I can.
This is my war to fight against fear, to be strong again.
Maybe all I need is a little faith.
Because "fear ends where faith begins".

Guilty Pleasure

I have something to confess.
My latest guilty pleasure.
True Blood.

Well I know what some people been saying.
Sex. Violence. Still sex.
I know. Don't care. Watch it anyway.

The irony is, however, the reluctance of watching it in the first place.
Just one fine day, decided to give it a chance.
There's no return since then.
Addiction would be an understatement.
I am obsessed.
With Eric Northman in particular.

Feelings are stronger when it gets to season 4.
A whole new different Eric.
Amnesia only makes him hotter.
Him being awfully polite is beyond cute.
Innocent and dangerous at the same time.
And did I mention the body that need no further elaboration.
Everything is so overwhelming to me.
In a good way of course.

Now I sound like a psychopath.
Madly in love with a fictitious character.
Revel in something that is not true.
But I am not bothered.
I don't really fancy Alexander Skarsgard if not for the character.
Pretty sure it will pass.
Till then.
Please allow me to stay this way.

To no judgments!

Sudden Urge

It definitely surprises me how I have the visceral urge to write at this hour.
To think that I have absolutely no ideas of what to write.

I've always admired those who can constantly write about anything under the sun.
Not me.
I don't have the flow.
Now, for instance, I'm struggling even to express my own feelings.

For a while I thought I've convinced myself to just accept wherever my life takes me.
Good or bad. Happy or sad.
That is not the case.
I am not contented.
I wanted more.
Happiness. Pure happiness.

It is apparent that happiness can't be bought.
Then how?
Others always say it is very simple to be happy.
Is it true?
So many questions swirling in my mind.
Where are the answers?

There was this incident that happened in the afternoon that kept me wondering.
Am I not supposed to be honest about myself.
Is it not possible for a person to have very few friends and to not be bothered by it at the same time.
Why making such a fuss when it's the truth.
I'm neither putting down myself nor hoping to win myself some sympathy.
This is me.
My circle of friends is small and I know it.
It is certainly not something that I'm ashamed of.
Or should I?
I don't mind having more friends but that didn't happen to me.
Part of me is crying to make lots of friends, other parts are being anti-social.
I strived hard in bringing this disparity into balance.
My mother would know.
I am an introvert in nature.
That's something that I can't change but improve.
So who are you to tell me it's not a good way to sell myself to anyone by telling them the facts.
If that appeared to be a pathetic fact to you, then sorry, you are just not the friend that I needed.

There are too many who judge your life, too less who care.
The world is a better place when we stop judging people's lives.
If I'm willing to make a change, are you?

I'm officially an unemployed.... AGAIN

Someone told me it's a milestone for me to fire my first employer.
Well, at least not many get to experience it.
Not in this way, agree?

To be honest, I expected HIM to at least put up a little fight before submitting to my terms.
But HE seemed to realise this is a win-lose situation.
I got everything that I asked for and tendered my resignation letter almost immediately.
It was too easy, no sweat.
There was no fight at all, not even a mild argument.
I was obviously at the upper-hand.
How boring!

And now, I'm jobless yet again.
Wondering if I should start job-hunting all over or just.... I don't know.
Aaarrggghhhh~ when can I fulfil my UK dream?
Why is everyone else going while I'm still here?

Consider me jobless

You know they've been saying, you'll definitely meet a horrible boss at least once in your life time.
I think I've already did.
To think that this happened to my very first job, maybe I should consider myself lucky.

What happened was HE cheated 3 months of my EPF which I was willing to let go.
But HE has the audacity to deduct my salary for public holidays.
It is written too clearly on the offer letter that I am a monthly paid employee.
And HE has the nerves to say any employee who's in probation period is not entitled to a pay holiday.
Even if I'm not familiar with labour law, I can assure you that I am no fool.
Any person who's in the right state of mind would know that this is wrong.

My mother being a HR Senior Excutive for 30 years in a multinational company who is very well-versed in the labour law confronted HIM in a polite way.
HE is however rude and egoistic with HIS words, unwilling to admit his mistakes.
How I hate egoistic man.
HE is pathetic in the sense that HE doesn't see what's coming.
A grave mistake HE's made for a mere RM140.
I am going to report this idiot to the labour law office and HE will see how much more trouble he could have save if he didn't do what he did.

Can you see the point here?
I don't care about the RM140, but, I just couldn't accept the way that HE's taken advantage of all HIS employees.
HE's requested to see me tomorrow and I know it's not going to turn out well.
But you know what, this is the first time since my graduation that I get to be sarcastic to a downright egoistic moron.
It's gonna be fun.

Wish me luck!

Complaint

Is it strange to complain about the boss all the time?
I mean I barely work for a month, but complaining about my boss seems to be the one thing that I must do everyday.
Creepy isn't it? How the boss can affects me.

Anyway, I hate working.
I miss being a student.
Dealing with children is definitely driving me insane.
As if I'm standing near the cliff, getting closer to the edge each day.
Will I jump? Or will I hang on there?
I'm not so sure.

Right now I just want to get it over and done with.

Butterflies in the stomach

I'm feeling nervous at this very moment.
Butterflies are roaming in my stomach like I could throw up anytime.
And the reason is pretty stupid.
Guess what? I am going for my very first job interview.
Not that I have never work before, if you consider an interview to be a promoter fits the list.

This is formal!
And nope, I'm not at all excited.
Judging from the voice of the interviewer, I'm not sure if he's friendly because I thought there's a hint of mockery when I said this can be considered as my first job.
That really freaks me out.

Now, I can't help but keep asking myself why do I even apply.
It all happened in less than 30 minutes.
I sent in my resume and I got an interview, just like that.
No one seems to notice I am not prepared.

I am lost.
What do I do before a job interview?
What should I wear?
What should I bring?
What should I say?
All the sample questions and tips for a job interview drove me into a funk that is so deep I could not see the end of it.

You must be thinking that I worried too much, being melancholy.
Maybe, I'm not getting the job after all.
Another question popped into my mind.
Can I deal with the disappointment? That is not mine.

It's on Monday.
Perhaps what I need is just words of encouragement and a little faith.

Blank-'ness'

I wanted to write something.
But then I realized, I've got nothing to write about,
Been living the same old mundane life day in day out.
Several plans going through my mind, I just never seem to have enough motivation to go work for it.
Then I ask myself, what do I really want?
Is there anything that I want so badly I'll do whatever it takes to get it?
I have no answers.
Only questions, lots of questions.
I am afraid.
I'm afraid of people asking 'what are your plans?'
Because I don't have an answer.
I'm ashamed of myself. But no one knows.

Babbles

It's been a while, a long while I know.
There were moments in my life that I actually think my writing skills just *poof* and gone into thin air.
My brain has become rusty, words don't flow in my mind at all.
It worries me.
Like now. I can't seem to express myself very well.
Regardless, I'll still try.

After graduation which was a few months back, I did a bit of travelling.
Every single time was a brand new experience.
As for the places? Taiwan, Bali and of course the most recent- the United States of America.
The first and second were regular family trips.
It was the US trip that open my eyes to so many things.
The primary aim was to attend my cousin's wedding and of course to visit my aunt.
Then, we can do some travelling.
But, here comes the unexpected relatives who tagged along and literally spoiled the whole trip.
To be precise, they can easily be divided into two categories: the self-invited and the unwelcomed.

I must however say, they truly have 'broadened' my mind.
They have showed me the lowest class of human beings that exist on the planet.
They have taught me how to take advantage of others to the fullest even if family comes into picture.
They have displayed greediness that was so great that I have never seen in my entire life until this fascinating trip.
Being a hypocrite and backstabber is practically their life; it's in their nature, that is why they can play their parts so well.

The details shall be spared.
It was far too disgraceful to even share.
I shall now pronounce them officially dismissed from my life.
And they can kiss my ass now.