Random Midnight Crap

I am confused. With myself.
Do I care or not care?
All the shit happening in my life.
The work mostly. Students, specifically.

Well sometimes I feel that I really really care, other times, not so.
Isn't that strange?
And I was so disheartened when being criticized by them.
I want to die, not literally, though.
It's just... that moment, it was so horrible.
I gave up. I am not proud of myself but there was nothing much I can do.
I was shut out of their world from the very first day, when I stepped inside the room.
I was never in.

They put all the blame on me.
I am bad-tempered, my lessons are boring and they are teenagers in an international school.
Does that even make sense to you?
If I was stronger, I'd have ask "So?"
But I didn't. and I regretted it.
I am ashamed of doubting myself. Why should I?
They don't care about my feelings.
They don't care about anything besides themselves.
Yes, that is how pathetic they are.

I am a better person.
I can look them in the eye and say " I did not do you wrong."
Can they do the same?
I thought I got over it, apparently not.
It's going to be a scar and it's going to be there forever.
A ghost, haunting me.
A reminder to make me a stronger person, to never let them crumble my confidence.

I just want to do my job

Well in case you don't already know, I finally found a new job.
Am I happy? Yes... and no.
I'm happy because I can stop the 'doing nothing at home' life.
On the contrary, I'm not happy because this job s***ed bad.
You must want to say: all jobs or probably most of the jobs s***ed.

I however, am not complaining about the work scope or even the pathetic amount of my salary.
It's the PEOPLE.
Yes, I might be a tad anti-social but I've been friendly to all.
Then here comes the backstabbers, the poker faces, the duty avoiders, the limelight cravers and whatnots.
But I'm telling you these are not the worst people to be deal with, because then you'll have the students.

Oh yeah~ the LOVELY students and THEIR PARENTS.
They are, in my humble point of view, the core of all problems.
I can't say that I was the good student but I was no troublemaker as well.
I don't give teachers hell.
Wonder what's happened to respecting teachers.
Does not exist in this school. That I can be absolutely positive.
As much as I want to be diplomatic and flexible in class, nobody seems to be appreciating it.
All I need is some moments of silence and peace, for them to listen when I talk.
Somehow it's a very difficult task to them. They don't even care to at least pretend to listen.
I'm so sick with all the screaming and reprimanding and deep down I know it's not working at all.
So I've stopped to care. It's never the type of teacher I wanted to be but they give me no choice.
These so-called privileged students are pain in the a**.
Being rich doesn't give you the rights to be the worst kind of students in the world.

From now on, they can rot because it'll no longer get to me or affect me in any ways.
The BRAINLESS boss who only cares for money-making can fire me if he's unhappy because even he doesn't show respect to teachers.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is I just want to do my job.
Apart from that.... I DON'T F***ING CARE.

My favourite author

Have I ever mentioned who my favourite author is?
Probably not. You might not know that I actually read.

Well it all started one day some 7 or 8 years ago.
A book was laying there all by itself and I decided to give it a chance.
I did not regret it. In fact, I am glad that I read it.
I was unwilling to put it down until I've savoured the very last bit of it.
It was that addictive.

The words seem alive. So much emotions.
They reach into your heart, in my case, soul.
I can feel them so deeply.
It was like a roller coaster ride only better.
The stories were written so tragically yet in a beautiful way.
And that was the feeling that's going to stay in me for as long as I live.

Some might see his stories as cliches. Almost predictable.
They might be right.
But it is how he'd written them that made each of it special in its own way .
The words he used and that he dwelled into each character as if they really exist.
His stories never once failed me.
Moved me into tears every single time.
Reading his books and letting my emotions come pouring out without holding back just feels awfully right.
It is one thing that I truly enjoyed doing alone.

He'd covered so many aspects in his books. Sending positive messages.
Life is not perfect. But there are so much more in life that's worthwhile if we have faith.
And there are times we need to sacrifice without expecting anything in return.
There will always be regrets in life, but those are the precious memories that we'll never forget.
These were the important lessons I've come to realized from his books.

Before it slipped my mind.
The author who'd affected me in so many ways is none other than----- Nicholas Sparks

(p/s: the lonely little book was 'Message in the Bottles')

The melancholic me

Been feeling nothing but melancholy.
Like I'm living in one of those sad movies.
Waiting to be rescued from a self-created bottomless pit by some brave soul.

What can I say? It's the emotional me who'd come out to play.
Can't fight it. It's eating me.

Based on my experience, it's not going away unless something really good happens.
Obviously nothing happened because I'm still listening to depressing songs and sing along at the top of my lungs.

Unique way to begin a new year huh?
Speaking of which, this is actually my first post in year 2012.
Well done me! Thought I wouldn't write anything, at least not so soon.
You must want to ask, or... not. Why this state of mind.
I have no fricking idea, or maybe I do but I'm just not telling you.
What I can actually deduce from all the experiences is that it attacks me periodically.
That's all I can reveal.
Irritating I know.

Interestingly, I have found something a tad more irritating than my feelings.
People keep on saying the world is coming to an end.
All that fear, paranoia or even anticipation. Which is pathetic! Pardon the lack of a better word.
A clock for 'the' grand countdown has literally set up in who cares which country.
The point is, what's the point even if the end of the world is probably approaching.
We are still living the same life, aren't we?
So I say, stop freaking out and wise up you fools!

To those whom I care and love, family and friends.
Happy new year and have a good one.