my-world-of-craps

My favourite author

2012-01-19T15:27:00.007+08:00

Have I ever mentioned who my favourite author is?
Probably not. You might not know that I actually read.

Well it all started one day some 7 or 8 years ago.
A book was laying there all by itself and I decided to give it a chance.
I did not regret it. In fact, I am glad that I read it.
I was unwilling to put it down until I've savoured the very last bit of it.
It was that addictive.

The words seem alive. So much emotions.
They reach into your heart, in my case, soul.
I can feel them so deeply.
It was like a roller coaster ride only better.
The stories were written so tragically yet in a beautiful way.
And that was the feeling that's going to stay in me for as long as I live.

Some might see his stories as cliches. Almost predictable.
They might be right.
But it is how he'd written them that made each of it special in its own way .
The words he used and that he dwelled into each character as if they really exist.
His stories never once failed me.
Moved me into tears every single time.
Reading his books and letting my emotions come pouring out without holding back just feels awfully right.
It is one thing that I truly enjoyed doing alone.

He'd covered so many aspects in his books. Sending positive messages.
Life is not perfect. But there are so much more in life that's worthwhile if we have faith.
And there are times we need to sacrifice without expecting anything in return.
There will always be regrets in life, but those are the precious memories that we'll never forget.
These were the important lessons I've come to realized from his books.

Before it slipped my mind.
The author who'd affected me in so many ways is none other than----- Nicholas Sparks

(p/s: the lonely little book was 'Message in the Bottles')

The melancholic me

2012-01-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

Been feeling nothing but melancholy.
Like I'm living in one of those sad movies.
Waiting to be rescued from a self-created bottomless pit by some brave soul.

What can I say? It's the emotional me who'd come out to play.
Can't fight it. It's eating me.

Based on my experience, it's not going away unless something really good happens.
Obviously nothing happened because I'm still listening to depressing songs and sing along at the top of my lungs.

Unique way to begin a new year huh?
Speaking of which, this is actually my first post in year 2012.
Well done me! Thought I wouldn't write anything, at least not so soon.
You must want to ask, or... not. Why this state of mind.
I have no fricking idea, or maybe I do but I'm just not telling you.
What I can actually deduce from all the experiences is that it attacks me periodically.
That's all I can reveal.
Irritating I know.

Interestingly, I have found something a tad more irritating than my feelings.
People keep on saying the world is coming to an end.
All that fear, paranoia or even anticipation. Which is pathetic! Pardon the lack of a better word.
A clock for 'the' grand countdown has literally set up in who cares which country.
The point is, what's the point even if the end of the world is probably approaching.
We are still living the same life, aren't we?
So I say, stop freaking out and wise up you fools!

To those whom I care and love, family and friends.
Happy new year and have a good one.

What more do you expect?

2011-11-25T17:08:00.003+08:00

I just can't stop writing negative things.
They are always there!
Feeling so damn crappy now.
Don't know what else to do to make things better.
Nothing affects me as much as my family.
Sometimes things are out of control.
It just happened.
Am I disappointed?
Yes.
Because of what she thinks of us over a small matter.
Are we not good enough? Maybe.
But how much is enough?
We are not perfect. You are not perfect.
So tell me who is?
One problem leads to another.
Endless.
We still love you. I still love you regardless.
It's hurting badly. The way you see us hurt me so bad.
I just want the pain to go away and be happy together. Again.

A Huge Relief

2011-10-04T12:32:00.005+08:00

Thank God! It's great to know that my mum's medical report is good.
Been brooding about it for the past week.
It's like lifting a giant nasty rock off my chest.
Feels awesomely great!
Think I can breathe better now.
It's time to get on with whatever I'm about to begin and stay focus.
Cheers~=D

Faith

2011-09-24T14:05:00.002+08:00

Bad things happen. They always do.
More than we expected.

Question is, what can we do about it?
Let me tell you.
As depressing as it might sound, most of the time, there's absolutely nothing we can do.
Better still, when Fear decides to knock on your door.
Now isn't that lovely?
Seeing Depression and Fear walking side by side, reaching their hands to you.

Then out of the blue, Faith appears.
Like a knight in shining armour.
Trying its utmost best to drive Depression and Fear away.
But it couldn't do it alone, not till we believe in it.

I know I need to. Just isn't sure if I can.
This is my war to fight against fear, to be strong again.
Maybe all I need is a little faith.
Because "fear ends where faith begins".

Guilty Pleasure

2011-07-14T02:00:00.003+08:00

I have something to confess.
My latest guilty pleasure.
True Blood.

Well I know what some people been saying.
Sex. Violence. Still sex.
I know. Don't care. Watch it anyway.

The irony is, however, the reluctance of watching it in the first place.
Just one fine day, decided to give it a chance.
There's no return since then.
Addiction would be an understatement.
I am obsessed.
With Eric Northman in particular.

Feelings are stronger when it gets to season 4.
A whole new different Eric.
Amnesia only makes him hotter.
Him being awfully polite is beyond cute.
Innocent and dangerous at the same time.
And did I mention the body that need no further elaboration.
Everything is so overwhelming to me.
In a good way of course.

Now I sound like a psychopath.
Madly in love with a fictitious character.
Revel in something that is not true.
But I am not bothered.
I don't really fancy Alexander Skarsgard if not for the character.
Pretty sure it will pass.
Till then.
Please allow me to stay this way.

To no judgments!

Sudden Urge

2011-07-07T00:38:00.002+08:00

It definitely surprises me how I have the visceral urge to write at this hour.
To think that I have absolutely no ideas of what to write.

I've always admired those who can constantly write about anything under the sun.
Not me.
I don't have the flow.
Now, for instance, I'm struggling even to express my own feelings.

For a while I thought I've convinced myself to just accept wherever my life takes me.
Good or bad. Happy or sad.
That is not the case.
I am not contented.
I wanted more.
Happiness. Pure happiness.

It is apparent that happiness can't be bought.
Then how?
Others always say it is very simple to be happy.
Is it true?
So many questions swirling in my mind.
Where are the answers?

There was this incident that happened in the afternoon that kept me wondering.
Am I not supposed to be honest about myself.
Is it not possible for a person to have very few friends and to not be bothered by it at the same time.
Why making such a fuss when it's the truth.
I'm neither putting down myself nor hoping to win myself some sympathy.
This is me.
My circle of friends is small and I know it.
It is certainly not something that I'm ashamed of.
Or should I?
I don't mind having more friends but that didn't happen to me.
Part of me is crying to make lots of friends, other parts are being anti-social.
I strived hard in bringing this disparity into balance.
My mother would know.
I am an introvert in nature.
That's something that I can't change but improve.
So who are you to tell me it's not a good way to sell myself to anyone by telling them the facts.
If that appeared to be a pathetic fact to you, then sorry, you are just not the friend that I needed.

There are too many who judge your life, too less who care.
The world is a better place when we stop judging people's lives.
If I'm willing to make a change, are you?

I'm officially an unemployed.... AGAIN

2011-06-14T11:29:00.003+08:00

Someone told me it's a milestone for me to fire my first employer.
Well, at least not many get to experience it.
Not in this way, agree?

To be honest, I expected HIM to at least put up a little fight before submitting to my terms.
But HE seemed to realise this is a win-lose situation.
I got everything that I asked for and tendered my resignation letter almost immediately.
It was too easy, no sweat.
There was no fight at all, not even a mild argument.
I was obviously at the upper-hand.
How boring!

And now, I'm jobless yet again.
Wondering if I should start job-hunting all over or just.... I don't know.
Aaarrggghhhh~ when can I fulfil my UK dream?
Why is everyone else going while I'm still here?

Consider me jobless

2011-06-05T14:05:00.006+08:00

You know they've been saying, you'll definitely meet a horrible boss at least once in your life time.
I think I've already did.
To think that this happened to my very first job, maybe I should consider myself lucky.

What happened was HE cheated 3 months of my EPF which I was willing to let go.
But HE has the audacity to deduct my salary for public holidays.
It is written too clearly on the offer letter that I am a monthly paid employee.
And HE has the nerves to say any employee who's in probation period is not entitled to a pay holiday.
Even if I'm not familiar with labour law, I can assure you that I am no fool.
Any person who's in the right state of mind would know that this is wrong.

My mother being a HR Senior Excutive for 30 years in a multinational company who is very well-versed in the labour law confronted HIM in a polite way.
HE is however rude and egoistic with HIS words, unwilling to admit his mistakes.
How I hate egoistic man.
HE is pathetic in the sense that HE doesn't see what's coming.
A grave mistake HE's made for a mere RM140.
I am going to report this idiot to the labour law office and HE will see how much more trouble he could have save if he didn't do what he did.

Can you see the point here?
I don't care about the RM140, but, I just couldn't accept the way that HE's taken advantage of all HIS employees.
HE's requested to see me tomorrow and I know it's not going to turn out well.
But you know what, this is the first time since my graduation that I get to be sarcastic to a downright egoistic moron.
It's gonna be fun.

Wish me luck!

Complaint

2011-04-18T11:29:00.003+08:00

Is it strange to complain about the boss all the time?
I mean I barely work for a month, but complaining about my boss seems to be the one thing that I must do everyday.
Creepy isn't it? How the boss can affects me.

Anyway, I hate working.
I miss being a student.
Dealing with children is definitely driving me insane.
As if I'm standing near the cliff, getting closer to the edge each day.
Will I jump? Or will I hang on there?
I'm not so sure.

Right now I just want to get it over and done with.

Butterflies in the stomach

2011-01-21T22:09:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling nervous at this very moment.
Butterflies are roaming in my stomach like I could throw up anytime.
And the reason is pretty stupid.
Guess what? I am going for my very first job interview.
Not that I have never work before, if you consider an interview to be a promoter fits the list.

This is formal!
And nope, I'm not at all excited.
Judging from the voice of the interviewer, I'm not sure if he's friendly because I thought there's a hint of mockery when I said this can be considered as my first job.
That really freaks me out.

Now, I can't help but keep asking myself why do I even apply.
It all happened in less than 30 minutes.
I sent in my resume and I got an interview, just like that.
No one seems to notice I am not prepared.

I am lost.
What do I do before a job interview?
What should I wear?
What should I bring?
What should I say?
All the sample questions and tips for a job interview drove me into a funk that is so deep I could not see the end of it.

You must be thinking that I worried too much, being melancholy.
Maybe, I'm not getting the job after all.
Another question popped into my mind.
Can I deal with the disappointment? That is not mine.

It's on Monday.
Perhaps what I need is just words of encouragement and a little faith.

Blank-'ness'

2010-12-10T03:13:00.003+08:00

I wanted to write something.
But then I realized, I've got nothing to write about,
Been living the same old mundane life day in day out.
Several plans going through my mind, I just never seem to have enough motivation to go work for it.
Then I ask myself, what do I really want?
Is there anything that I want so badly I'll do whatever it takes to get it?
I have no answers.
Only questions, lots of questions.
I am afraid.
I'm afraid of people asking 'what are your plans?'
Because I don't have an answer.
I'm ashamed of myself. But no one knows.

Babbles

2010-10-25T18:03:00.004+08:00

It's been a while, a long while I know.
There were moments in my life that I actually think my writing skills just *poof* and gone into thin air.
My brain has become rusty, words don't flow in my mind at all.
It worries me.
Like now. I can't seem to express myself very well.
Regardless, I'll still try.

After graduation which was a few months back, I did a bit of travelling.
Every single time was a brand new experience.
As for the places? Taiwan, Bali and of course the most recent- the United States of America.
The first and second were regular family trips.
It was the US trip that open my eyes to so many things.
The primary aim was to attend my cousin's wedding and of course to visit my aunt.
Then, we can do some travelling.
But, here comes the unexpected relatives who tagged along and literally spoiled the whole trip.
To be precise, they can easily be divided into two categories: the self-invited and the unwelcomed.

I must however say, they truly have 'broadened' my mind.
They have showed me the lowest class of human beings that exist on the planet.
They have taught me how to take advantage of others to the fullest even if family comes into picture.
They have displayed greediness that was so great that I have never seen in my entire life until this fascinating trip.
Being a hypocrite and backstabber is practically their life; it's in their nature, that is why they can play their parts so well.

The details shall be spared.
It was far too disgraceful to even share.
I shall now pronounce them officially dismissed from my life.
And they can kiss my ass now.

live a dream or live in a dream

2010-07-23T00:58:00.007+08:00

I'm a movie buff, I truly is.
In my dad's words- a movie-addict or rather cinema-addict.
Well I can't deny that because some movies are meant to be seen in a cinema and trust me, I see films on a VERY regular basis.
So much so my family says I should invest in a cinema or own one someday.
It's a very tempting suggestion I must say =D
The thing is, the atmosphere is something I cannot create which I consider a very important element while watching a movie.
I think movie buffs out there couldn't agree more.

Some movies are for entertainment, some are for excitement, some are for relaxation etc.
You'd be surprise what movies can do to our lives.
I might literally bored to death without movies.

Recently, I've gone to see 'Inception' which kept me pondering for a while. A long while.
To be frank, I don't quite understand the meaning of 'inception' in the first place.
Like some people, I chose to see this film merely because it's listed as best movie of the year.
I mean who could possibly miss it?
So, the first thing I did was looked up the dictionary and the meaning was simple--- the beginning.
The big question then become the beginning of what? As Lynda have said, I'm not going to be a spoiler here LoL

Anyway, it's something at the end that kept me thinking.
I'm definitely not telling you what happened at the end of the story.
But maybe, maybe living in a dream isn't such a bad thing afterall.
Who cares as long as you are happy?

I thought the idea of the whole story was brilliant!
Harness dreams and steal secrets from your subconscious, isn't it CooL??!!!
And kudos to Leornardo!
I think he's got it this time.
We shall see him in the next Oscar's =)

Some thoughts

2010-07-16T13:10:00.005+08:00

As much as I want to deny, I think I'm becoming this ridiculous person who's easily provoked by others
Be it behaviours, comments, criticism or anything at all
they can made me so angry that I want to curse
And this is an action that I don't appreciate much

It's frustrating, really...
I always have something to say eventhough I often kept these thoughts to myself
pretend to be nice and all, but, I know very well, I'm just putting on an act
this is very bad
what've become of me?
This is NOT me, I've slowly turning into a person whom I despise of

It's frightening...
sometimes I don't even know why do I have such thoughts, evil and scary thoughts
Or maybe I'm just having too much time to myself
seriously need to do something about that
things might change when the new chapter of my life starts
I have to be patient

Besides the awful transformation I'm going through, I've watched plenty of movies recently
well, one of them was the highly anticipated and debated Twilight saga- Eclipse
you might be wondering why am I choosing this particular movie to talk about
Haha! answer is easy, because 95% who watched it definitely have a word or two

Below are just my 2 cents worth, so, no offense =p

I am one of the many who possessed the complete set of Twilight saga
you must think I'm probably in love with this saga
but nope, I bought it just to see what is so great about this story when everyone was so obsessed with it and it was a good bargain on Amazon.com(not trying to advertise or anything)
most importantly, books are good for keeping(quoting my mum) and she's the one paying of course
as you can see I have nothing to lose
that was how everything begins

Fans might want to kill me if I say this, but, I hate almost all the characters in the story
Bella will be on the top of the list, Edward next and then Jacob
these 3 are easily the most stupid characters in many of the love stories that I read
I mean be realistic, we know it is just any other love story if it's without the vampires, werewolves and whatsoever

Reading the book was one thing, and seeing the film was a completely different experience LoL
the other day I was asking my family if anyone wants to watch Eclipse and I got this remarkably interesting comment from my dad
Here's what he said: " Isn't that the movie where they 'paktoh' on trees?"
in case you don't understand what 'paktoh' means, it means 'dating' in chinese dialects
I laughed so hard I nearly choke

Well, the end of the story? We all went
I didn't force my dad to go and was perfectly fine to watch it myself
I warned him about the not so exciting plot, I really did
nevertheless, he still followed with a little reluctance
he almost fell asleep in the cinema and I'm proud of him for not
It's an accomplishment dad! XD

Coming back to the movie
The lines was as cheezy and corny as before
nothing spectacular and was definitely overrated by the media
but at least, at least Edward doesn't have that painful expression anymore while kissing Bella and I thought that's hell of an improvement LoL
I would appreciate if Robert Pattinson can speak faster though, the Edward's speaking tempo was kinda strange
the only selling point of this movie might be Taylor Lautner's body
werewolves were cute and might make great pets =p

I pitied the parents sitting in front of us
they thought it was some kind of vampires and werewolves horror
and there were a few awkward scenes for their seemingly young children
the funniest part was they finally gave up explaining and ask their children to sleep LoL

All in all, it's entertaining (not exactly a suitable word to describe a love story but I did laugh alot)
one more to go, heard it's gonna be two parts
I guess I just need to finish off what I've started

Here's a little suggestion for those who haven't see the film
if you are just like me who's watching it for fun or even a huge fan of Twilight saga that care less about the definition of a good movie then, go for it
if you have not read the book or watch the previous parts or merely hate it then, don't go

I always thought movies are to enjoy not to create miseries

Look at yourself before criticizing others

2010-07-08T13:12:00.004+08:00

I'm not a football fanatic
the truth is I always thought it's quite idiotic for 22 human beings to go after 1 ball

However, World Cup definitely interests me
I like to watch certain teams play to be precise
and nope, I don't think Messi is cute or Fabregas nor Torres is hot and I definitely hate Villa's style
Ronaldo is not my cup of tea and Kaka should get a hairwash though he does look very cute to me
what I am saying is, their looks really is not the main point but rather a plus point

But, as World Cup is approaching the end, my patience has also coming to an end thanks to the male supporters who claimed to know EVERYTHING about football and who literally discriminate female supporters

I do admit that I know almost nothing about football, you may think it's very silly for me to say this
but what I really mean is who says you need to know everything about football to watch it?

Have you ever ever heard of FREE WILL?
So what if some of the female supporters are watching for the sake of cute faces or hot bods?

Give them a break!

Don't tell me males don't look at hot chicks and be blinded by those pretty faces with hour-glass figures
I'm not saying ALL the time, but, definitely MOST of the time

Please do not pretend to be so freaking rational when it comes to football
Female supporters have every right to choose who they want to support based on whatever reasons as long as they are happy

So why do you care?
Let me tell you, you have no fucking right to criticize them just because you think other teams are better in terms of 'football' skills

Will you stop being so immature and discriminate female supporters because they are not supporting your teams or "know nuts" about football

And one more thing
if you think you are so good at football stuff and think you can do better than the players then prove it
If not, please SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I rest my case.

The Beginning

2010-05-08T15:23:00.002+08:00

Well, most of the people said it's the end
but for me, it's the beginning of a new journey
this might probably be a slightly late post
but hey! late is better than nothing
and so I'm gonna shout out loud "I have completed the life of a uni student!"

I don't know where I'll be or what I am going to do
right now, I just wanna have some fun and get some rest
hope that everyone is doing the same
enjoy peeps~ =D

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

2010-04-12T10:02:00.004+08:00

You know who you are
but if you don't, just continue reading
I'm sure some of these can make you recall

It's a story about this pathetic group creating a website when one of them decided to do nothing
that person did not ask about the assignment at all
that person did not take the initiative to help at all
that person was just waiting for others to ask where is her work
that person send her 'so called' work and findings when we are done with the contents (mind you, she send it one day before the deadline HAHAHA! as if that'll help)

that person just care about herself
I can elaborate on this
well that person thought she's the only one who's sick and the rest of the group are not
while she is recuperating in somewhere, the group slogged their heads off even if they are SICK too
and this is what that person called "berkira sampai begitu sekali"

that person DID NOTHING for the website, my consciense is clear saying this
I'm NOT afraid of confrontation

oh yea~ before I go
just a gentle reminder
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE READ THIS BECAUSE I DON'T BLOODY CARE
and yes, I'm blogging about you
just so you know, the whole group is sick of the series of drama
it only makes the group HATES you more
if you want to come with those swollen eyes, PLEASE don't come at all

PLEASE don't use the following lines to make us feel guilty because it's not working anymore:
1) What do you mean?
2) Why are you doing this to me?
3) What is all this about?
4) Are you not in talking terms to me?
5) I thought we are friends but...

"You can cry if you want, in fact you can cry NOW!" quoted from someone, 12 April 2010, 10:34am.

"When the whole WORLD seems wrong and you are right, and this happens repeatedly, then please don't say you are the right one." quoted from another person, 12 April 2010, 10:36am.

"If you want to thank me, you don't need to bother texting or calling me, I'll tell you right now YOU ARE WELCOME and enjoy your day too!"

I actually feel better now =D

Frustration

2010-03-26T12:39:00.003+08:00

What will you do if you are deeply hurt by a friend who's somewhat close to you?
well in my case, I'll choose to laugh it away
You might wanna know why
the reason is very simple, that friend doesn't worth the tears

Have you ever encountered a person who pretend to be open-minded and wants you to be honest to he/she?
well I have
and the situation got sour because the person can't take the truth
this is the part that I can't seem to understand, I mean what's the point of asking when you know it's gonna hurt and you cannot take it?
it's just a waste of time, sometimes knowing nothing makes you happier

What's worst?
when all these happened while you are supposed to do something far more important than an argument or a cold war
when the person doesn't want to clear the air and pretend to be the victim
when you try to talk to the person but he/she ignores you
when you have to pretend to be okay infront of this person as if nothing happened

I am truly frustrated but I know I'll get by
Till then.

lalalablablabladadada~

2010-03-21T15:57:00.003+08:00

Hmm... I'm just going to write

NOTHING!

okay~ I know it's lame
but I really have got nothing to write about

maybe something about the weather?
that's boring...

how about... my life?
It's very DULL

or you might want to know something about the ** students?
they SUCK and I MEAN it

AHH~ I think I'll just fade away
before I go, I just wanna shout it out loud

PLEASE LET ME GRADUATE!!!!!!

偏见

2010-03-10T20:03:00.002+08:00

你有没有过这种经验？就是很纯粹的不喜欢一个人
你也不是太认识他但他给你的第一感觉就是---不喜欢
很奇怪是不是？怎么会这样？
可能这就是所谓的偏见

如果这个人是一个对自己爱的家人很重要的人呢？（请原谅我的鬼打墙）
你又会怎样做？
试着喜欢他？还是忠于自己的感觉？
我真的觉得很矛盾，不知道怎样做才是对的

我自认第六感还算蛮强的，所以这么久以来我都没有办法蒙蔽自己的内心接受这个人
好像对他并不公平，我却想自私的说一句：我太爱我的家人，不想他们受到一丁点的伤害
对于这个人，我可以说是无能为力
时间会证明一切。。。不是吗？

我倔强的认为这，并不是偏见
又好像是偏见
到底什么是偏见？
不知道，我没有答案

所以至少现在，请让我继续任性的不喜欢他吧！

残酷的大自然

2010-01-14T21:57:00.003+08:00

住在海地的人们，要振作啊~
千万不要败给无情的天灾
不要放弃希望。。。要勇敢
活下去！
活下去！
活下去！

I've been thinking... what can human do when mother nature became ruthless?
nothing, there is nothing we can do but to accept our fate of being such
lifes have been claimed but life moves on
we pray for the better
there are still hopes for the future
God bless Haiti~

1st post in year 2010

2010-01-07T21:22:00.005+08:00

First thing first, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! to everyone on earth (in other words, those who are still alive)

it's been a while.. I know... even the calendar has changed =.= how sad... opps! I mean how amazing....

which also mean lesser time in my life, I really don't wanna think about it

Anyway, a lot of happenings during this long long break but don't worry, I'll skip the not very important ones

my FYP is not done yet and this really really freaks me out
it's like I'm in the middle of no where, STUCKED might be the word, I'm lost, stressed, devastated, depressed, paranoid... however.... I still hope for the better

Moving on to something happy...

my cousin finally tie the knot after 9 years of courtship on 3rd January 2010

we as the sisters organized a hen's night for the bride-to-be and it was fun, could be better but this is what we called there is room for improvement... so, WATCH OUT and be prepared, my other cousins XD

Looking at my cousin's smile, I know she is truly happy and I'd like to congratulate her from the bottom of my heart...

CONGRATULATIONS to the happiest and prettiest bride of the year!!!

and of course, I'd like to have some nieces and nephews too, so, you know what to do *evil grin*

Marriage truly is the biggest event in our lives and I'm looking forward to my own if I'm lucky enough to meet Mr. Right

OhOh~ before I go, did I mentioned I got a dog for the first time in my life?

I spent so much time just to persuade my mum and it really pays

this naughty little puppy has spiced up our lives and I hope he'll grow happily

my final semester is starting in a week's time

graduating is the aim that I must achieve

wish me luck peeps~

November 20, 2009

2009-11-20T12:04:00.001+08:00

He was my favourite pet and he always will be
He'll live in my heart eternally
He was not only an animal but family to me, now that he's gone, I wished he can rest in peace

I thanked him for all the precious memory and all the joy he had brought into our lives
I'm sorry if I had mistreated him in anyway which I never meant to

My mum said he had lived a fruitful life not as a hamster but as one of our very own family members
I understand there are times when we need to say goodbye
We loved him so much, but, we know it is time to let go

You have fulfilled all your duties on earth, now, rest in peace
You'll always remain in our hearts

With love,
Fiona Tan Sue Li
11.20.2009

I want... : Part I

2009-11-05T23:22:00.004+08:00

I want to have high-tea in a nice and cosy hotel on a Saturday afternoon (too bad nobody is free, thus, it's postponed T.T)
I want new tops, preferably tank tops
I want a new blusher (more pinkish than the current one =D)
I want a hairband with blings.. HeHe
I want a trip to Malacca and Penang (particularly Jonker Street & Gurney Drive for some reasons =p)
I want a karaoke marathon session
I want a getaway (going to Indonesia next Friday which is not exactly what I wanted but it's better than nothing)
I want to meet some new friends
I want to be serious about my diet plan
I want to complete my final year project ASAP

Will continue to update all that I want
Cheerios~

My new hair

2009-11-02T12:03:00.004+08:00

I permed my hair yet again, it's like an addiction=D
straight hair bores me, I mean my once straight hair (not referring to others)
but can you imagine I was in the salon for 6 and a half freaking hours
according to the hairstylist, my hair takes a really long time to be dyed (too dark in colour I supposed)
anyway, I nearly fainted =.=
and I have the fringe that I never had the courage to try LoL
it makes my forehead feels hot all the time which is the minus point
I guess I'm just not used to it
overall I'm pleased
nothing special about the new permed hair, I requested more curls maybe?
and that's ME!!!

hope the picture didn't give you a shock =p
Cheers~^^

I feel lucky~

2009-10-19T11:04:00.003+08:00

Don't ask me why, I just feel very lucky
it's been a great weekend
all the family outings and just being able to stay together made me feel lucky
we also bought something that is very suitable for the whole family to play-----Wii =D
So, now I can get on to my ultimate diet plan *evil laugh*

Besides all that, my car had do me proud (it's a lucky car=p)
I love my car even though I rarely drive, still prefer having a driver than being the driver LoL

Visited my grandmother, she seems healthy and happy
we had dinner and catch up a little before heading home
the next plan will be meeting up with some friends if there are friends in my current proximity
and also proceed with my final year project after getting all the comments that I needed from my supervisor which I hope soon, because I slacked too much.
HeHe! it's time to start working again

that's all for now...
maybe something lucky is going to happen soon ^.^Y

I think I need a boyfriend? or a change of life=D

2009-10-14T23:57:00.004+08:00

YES, you aren't seeing things. I typed 'I think I need a boyfriend' XD
LoL~ I have realized all that posts here recorded only the negative side of my life
and that is very BAD
why do human beings or most of the humans have the habit of keeping all the bad memories instead of the good ones?
So, I've come to a decision that is not to follow their footsteps
but HOW do I begin to accumulate all these positive energy in life?
hmm... a difficult question eh?
then I asked myself, why not start with an extreme makeover
sounds pretty good, isn't it?
first thing first, I need to change my mindset
alter a little bit of my own thinking to an optimistic one
from there, move on to becoming MORE sociable
I mean MORE MORE MORE sociable
I think I'm just overly anti-social, need a change in my life
not to mention new hair should be part of the plan
oh oh oh, then comes the boyfriend part
Being single for too long seems to transform me into this weird young lady who irks the sight of too many guys and also picked on them at every chance I could possibly get
okay, I've had enough of all these unhealthy behaviours
I need a change and definitely need a well-organized plan
a boost to self-confidence will do me good
another thing, a diet might help (I binged too much in recent years)
bulging belly and fat thighs do not fit the plan
determination and perseverance should perfect the plan
and of course, no more sad, emotional, self-pitied post here
more plans coming up~=D

我。。。失败吗？

2009-09-29T23:32:00.004+08:00

除了我的家人，在别人的眼里我大概是不存在的
其实我常常问自己，是不是真的没有人会在意我

我一直都很清楚地知道我是一个很没有存在感的人
在人群之中我并不起眼，在朋友当中我也不被注意
我喜欢这种平凡，可是我不想是透明的
所以我都会对自己说‘不要紧的，总有一天这一切都会变得不一样’

我不会说话，也不会讨好别人
但我总会尽力做到最好，因为我知道真心是最重要的
可能我太诚实，很难博得好感
但我问心无愧，还是秉持着这样的信念

大多时候我都太过于沉默，让人觉得我很难相处
其实我是真的不知道要说什么，可是我愿意聆听
我努力告诉自己会有人懂的，会有人了解我的
我已经尽了好大好大的努力，也感觉很累
最后答案却总是让我失望，灰心

我明白人应该不求回报
但是当一个人付出了很多很多之后，却一点意义都没有
大概就会开始思考了吧
这应该就是失败

虽然不想承认，但我是真的失败
我没有可以倾诉的朋友，没有真正了解我的朋友
就连一起庆祝生日的朋友也找不到
从我懂事以来。一直是我在帮别人过生日
从来没有人主动帮我庆祝生日

我的生日总是被遗忘，我并不是一个特别喜欢过生日的人
残酷的是它偏偏让我看到了自己的价值
我是个对朋友来说没有价值的人，这才是让我觉得最伤心的根源

真真正正在意的人到底是谁？
我真的不知道
很失败吧？

我唯一可以确定的依靠只有家人
当家人不在我身边时，我只感觉孤独与空虚

这就是我活了22年的人生
说真的，我自己看了也觉得悲哀
可是应该没有人会知道吧

我。。。就是这样的一个人

Examinations

2009-09-22T20:59:00.001+08:00

The title alone says BORING
let's just do a little bit of my life updates
okay, BORING as well
please bear with me
Here it goes

I'm once again going through Finals in pain which also marks the end of this semester
I screwed up the previous paper, so, hopefully not the next one too
next subject is just one day away but I have not lay my hands on the notes
in fact, I'm lost... I don't know what to focus on when I look at all those papers
Mr George, you should have been more specific, not to mention, give us model answers for all the practices but obviously you did not which makes me suffer more

Apart from the exams
It's been an improductive raya holidays except for the shopping
did not get all that I want but still, enjoyable I must say, especially with my family around

Looking forward to the three months holiday but not looking forward to it at the same time
I know I'm contradicting myself, however, the thought of my final year project reduces anticipation for holidays
this is yet another obstacle in my life that I need to overcome or MUST overcome

another bad news to me is I AM turning 22 in exactly 10 days, really soon=.=
21st seemed like yesterday, time really flies
birthday is a disaster for females, not generalizing but I think most of the females agree with me
AGE became a TABOO when you are getting older
anyway I'm not the celebrating birthday sorta person, nothing to celebrate about unless I like to be older which I don't and it is the day which mums suffer (I can imagine all the shriekings and pain)

If nothing crops up, I'll be home on Saturday (=
Owh~ I miss home already, I sure do
my room, my bed, my orange wall, my brothers' sarcasm, mocking my sister, our hamster...

Good luck for the coming papers~=D

观后感-比悲伤更悲伤的故事

2009-09-07T23:36:00.003+08:00

心情实在太郁闷。。。

决定把这部一直存放在硬碟里的电影看了

我把原来对韩国爱情电影的成见收了起来，很投入的把它看完了

我想很多人都和我一样

害怕看到这么悲伤的故事

害怕看到一个会让我们深度思考的故事

这个故事并不特别

男主角(K)患有遗传性癌症，却不曾告诉女主角(cream)

K深爱着cream却只能藏在心里

千篇一律的悲剧再次上演
可是却真的感动了我

一切早就在他们相遇的那一刻就注定了

他们是孤儿

於是他们住在一起

过着比家人，朋友，情人还要亲密的日子

看似自然。。。却夹带着淡淡地悲伤

不知从何时开始，cream喜欢把K说过的话录下来
她问他有什么愿望，他说希望她能找个好男人嫁了
她问他‘你不能吗？’他却说‘我不是好男人。’
他问她‘那怎样才是好男人？’他答‘健康，善良，照顾家人的人。’

不久后。。。cream告诉K，她爱上了一个有未婚妻的人
K很伤心，但他却用尽所有的方法让她得到想要的幸福
他一直压抑着自己的痛苦，不被cream察觉
终于在陪cream试婚纱的那天，K崩溃了

他逃走了。。。
无视人群，在街上大哭。
他试着远离她却做不到
最后他在婚礼当天亲手把最爱的女人交给了另外一个男人

一个月后，他离开了。。。
为了不让她知道，他拜托别人在cream的每个结婚纪念日送花给她
看到这里，你或许以为故事已经结束了
至少我是这样想的
但是我错了

大家大概都不会想到故事的另一面
我们只看见了K的付出，忽略了cream
其实她早就发现K生病的事实
一切的一切都是她策划的
为了完成K的心愿，在所不惜

K永远会是他唯一最爱的男人，他一直都是
就在他离开后，cream也随着他去了
他们所做的事情都只是为了成就彼此
谁又能真正的做到这点呢？

我记得有人问K，什么是爱情？
他说‘爱情就像刷牙。’那人说‘刷牙，那是一个人的事。’
K反问‘你刷牙是给别人看的吗？’
你是否也领悟到了什么呢？

我很喜欢演员的演绎和导演的拍摄手法
它让你深深的体会当中的情感
一直以来男主角都不敢对女主角说爱
他只会用喜欢来代替爱这个字眼
女主角也只会回答说‘我也是’
就算男主角在女主角结婚的前一天说了‘我爱你’，就像是一种默契，女主角也只是说了‘我也是’
这电影里有很多令我印象深刻的情景
有兴趣就去看看吧

最后我想要用K说的一句话当作结尾
‘我注定要爱上你，上帝派我来爱上你。’

Laziness can kill

2009-08-17T20:49:00.004+08:00

I know that being lazy is my nature from a long time ago
it is indeed one of my biggest weaknesses that I can't get rid of
but I have to admit that I didn't really try hard to change this attitude of mine
I mean I have been living with it for so long, it's part of me so...
only if you understand what I'm trying to say

Anyway the problem is I can't be lazy right now
there are loads of things left undone
and they are important
marked that--- IMPORTANT, very important
important enough to ruin my life

But even if I know it's very crucial to get everything started
I'm just not motivated enough, not motivated enough to do anything
arrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
please tell me what to do because laziness can KILL.

Randomness while WAITING

2009-08-11T21:06:00.004+08:00

Since I'm waiting for my groupmate to send her part of work to me
why not write something instead of waiting blindly

Been feeling tense lately
it's a hectic week, thousands of deadlines to meet (okay, I'm using hyperbole)
I can really feel the stress and all the tension circulating me
So tiring...

I need to release some of these BAD energy before exploding
I'm like a balloon with too much air and you know what can happen
maybe it's because of that that I became easily provoke and have extremely low EQ

Seriously, I hate to wait and always be the one waiting
I keep on telling myself to be more patient but it's not working recently
I always want to complain and like to complain about almost everything under the sun
I don't like to be that kind of person because nothing is going to change
the earth will not stop spinning just because of me

It's 9.30PM now and I'm still waiting PATIENTLY (at least trying my best to)
how can I stop myself from being angry? I just am not sure how much longer I can hold my temper
No one seems to understand how scary I can get, still testing my patience
but actually patience is exactly the thing that I'm running out of

Sometimes I do think that maybe these people are not the problem, I am.
hoping that this can make me feel better, however, only for seconds then I'm back to reality
disturbing and annoying people are everywhere and they are unavoidable
I think I'll just have to live with it

I shall just stop here and continue to WAIT.

Get to know yourself better

2009-08-07T21:13:00.002+08:00

I took a quiz and I thought it's 99.9% accurate=p

My results:

Your view on yourself: Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love: You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you: You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success: You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of: You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I don't agree with the part that I like to flirt though, apparently I don't=.=

By the way, you can try it too at
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Have fun!!!!!
Cheerios~^^

令人烦躁的老毛病

2009-08-06T22:37:00.002+08:00

我已经忘了从哪年的哪一天开始，偏头痛就缠上了我
今天好久不见得老毛病又犯了
早上还算是风光明媚，到了下午却风云变色
哈哈！听起来很夸张，其实一点都不

吃过它的苦头，保证毕生难忘
具体的感觉要尝试过了才会了解
就像是有人在大力地，毫不留情的拉扯着某条脑神经
痛楚一波一波而来，让人连喘气的机会也没有

原以为睡了一觉就会没事
怎知还是要硬吞了两颗止痛药
这下可好，残留在体内的药又多了新的成员
依赖药物真是不可取得行为（小朋友不要学哦，姐姐有练过=.=）

偏头痛就不提了
但刚刚在睡午觉时
梦见了一个奇怪的人，我的意思不是他很奇怪
只是我会梦见他就真的很奇怪了

他是一个我看过的陌生人
最奇怪的是梦境，我就不深入解释了
反正让我很困惑就是了
但还不到困扰。。。会不会是什么启示之类的呢？
嘿嘿！想太多了

我不想想太多~~~~~~
不然头又要痛了
很快的,一天又要结束了
下次再见啰^^

Blog with Guilt

2009-08-04T23:15:00.005+08:00

I really really understand how important is the midterm test tomorrow
BUT, I just couldn't concentrate on the words scattering all over the textbook

I know I shouldn't be here now, BLOGGING
However, I can't help it!
I have to keep myself awake and this might be the last resort

For your information, my mind is wandering away to this wonderful place called D'slumberland and here I am trying my best to keep it away from there
It's a sin to stop myself from dozing off naturally, don't you think so? I mean sleeping is normal during this hour. Besides, I can hear my bed calling for me...

So can I just go to sleep and forget about the test?
That would be another SIN, don't you agree?

ENOUGH FIONA! You must stay in focus and study
Stopppppp complaining even though Mr Edwin is definitely MENTAL to make us SUFFER
Hmm.. wait a minute~ did I just said he is a psycho? OOOOPPPPPSSS! I did it again, didn't I?
But hey! what's wrong with being honest, I mean I'm not lying whatsoever. He is indeed a PSYCHO!!!
and there I go AGAIN~

The end of CRAPPING
I better continue with all the reading and memorizing(forcing myself to open the book)
*MISERABLE SMILE* fading slowly into an expressionless face......

By the way, Good Luck Everybody(=

寻找遗失的情感

2009-07-26T23:29:00.003+08:00

真的写上瘾了。。。
其实早就知道会这样

没办法，寂寞的人可以向谁倾诉呢？
总不能自私的去打扰别人
想想也只能用这个管道抒发自己久违的情感

我一直尝试着把那个拥有真正的喜怒哀乐的灵魂释放出来
可是好难啊
要找回封闭的自己怎么这么难？
但压抑。。。真的很痛苦
感觉快要窒息了

我想要敞开心房
再次看到有知觉的心
重新面对所有的感受
无论是快乐，悲伤，愤怒
就算是痛不欲生的感觉我也想要再次经历

我想证明自己还是个人
因为我的心已经麻痹了
痛。。。变得很陌生
印象很模糊，像是一种被遗忘掉的记忆

我厌倦了对一切的冷淡
我要真正的笑，放肆的哭，毫无顾忌的大喊
可以吧？我应该办得到的，是吗？

希望我可以再度的坦然面对自己
希望我可以不再逃避，不再害怕受到创伤
希望一切都会变好

我的心。。。离开我了吗？

2009-07-25T00:33:00.006+08:00

思念
一个令人又爱又恨的感觉
一种矛盾交织的情绪
有时候让人觉得好感动
有时候却让人感到很心痛
可是人还是往往忍不住去思念
思念种种的一切
深陷在思念的泥沼当中

很奇怪的是，不知道你们是否察觉到思念是会上瘾的
尤其是思念一个人
思念究竟是什么呢
其实我也不是很懂

它是如此的奇妙也如此的美丽
美丽之中又存在着淡淡的悲伤
是一种说不清楚的感觉
是一种难以理解的幸福
是一种很单纯的喜悦

它可以让你伤心落泪
它也可以让你甜蜜微笑
它可以是一瞬间却也可能是永恒

不管是哭着思念或是笑着思念
思念给我们的感觉是即深刻又真实的
每一个人对思念的定义都不同
有时候会随着时空的变迁而改变
我们应该尝试去找寻一个平衡点
可是世界上很多事情却都是事与原违, 控制不到也逃避不了
其中包含着很多的伤害, 不止伤害自己也伤害别人
对不起已经不足以表达我的歉意我是自私的, 特别是当我停留在醉意与清醒之间
好多事情我都会不想再去掩饰
从而放纵。。。然后伤害到我从来不想伤害的人
后悔的感觉已经让人觉得麻木

眼泪不知何时很不争气的占据了我的眼睛
面对着结束。。。
心情是冰冷的, 眼泪却是温热的
很空虚。。。

思念会一直延续着
我也会一直等待着
等待。。。却不是等待着他
而是等待忘记思念他的感觉。。。

笔于：3/12/2006

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

那是两年前的我
和现在的我形成了强烈的对比
简直是天壤之别

我觉得我已经快要把自己遗忘了
好像再也看不到那样的自己
这样好吗？

我常常在想。。。
或许是生命里真的缺少了些什么
所有的事情都变得太平淡
平淡的让人害怕

我不会过度的悲伤
也没有特别的快乐
一切都很稀松平常

最近。。。不安的种子慢慢地发芽
很多事情，我无法解释
常常一个人在房间里发呆
脑子里一片空白

是不是我把心封闭到一个连我自己也无法找回的地方？
我太压抑自己了吗？
我真的不知道

但我是真的不知道吗？
又或者是潜意识在逃避
不想面对这样的自己
最后。。。只能伪装

这种感觉一直困扰着我
怎样也摆脱不了

心，在哪里？
回不来了吧。。。

25/07/2009，凌晨1点14分

an INCREDIBLY SUCKY day

2009-07-20T09:43:00.010+08:00

I have to write everything in red because it reflects my emotion now which is none other than ANGER!!!

Of course I know I did mention I'll not update my blog very frequently but today will be d'EXCEPTION.

I mean how SUCKY can my day be? And I thought today is the SUCKIEST day ever in this term.

I'm EXTREMELY PISSED!

Let's begin with me struggling to crawl out of my cosy little bed at 6.30am for the DARN bus when everybody else(in this sense, my so called friends in uni) were still dreaming away.

Apparently classes have been cancelled but nobody bothers to at least inform me by spending 10 cents for a text message.

I reached the EMPTY classroom at 7.30am like an idiot and started texting these people afraid that they'll make the same mistake as me.

Well... It turned out clearly that I was so WRONG!

It's just me and another friend of mine who didn't know about this IMPORTANT notice.

However, she was luckier than me because she was still at her doorstep.

I have become her 'saviour' in a way by stopping her from coming to uni. That's so 'kind' of me, wasn't it?

And so I decided to confront these 'friends' of mine and guess what? One said that I was letting out at her and another one didn't reply at all. How SWEET of them. I mean how sweet can a friend be?

Although they might somehow or rather read my blog but let me tell you this, I don't BLOODY care because they don't give a damn as well.

This is PREPOSTEROUS!!!

I'm off to bed to recuperate~
Goodbye.

故事分享

2009-07-19T21:21:00.002+08:00

分享一个在好久好久以前让我觉得很感动的故事

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当我真正爱上若涵的那一刻起, 我就常常对他说:" 鱼说, 你看不见我眼中的泪, 因为我在水中!" 而他就回笑着拍拍我的脑袋:" 水说, 我能感觉到你在流泪, 因为你在我的心中." 听完这句话, 我就会狠狠的瞪着他, 而他还是用那一脸令我陶醉的笑容对着我" 你应该是快乐的小鱼, 不该有泪, 记住!"
其实, 我也不知道是他第几次拒绝我了, 有时候我好恨自己为什么执迷不悟, 哎! 爱他! 爱他! 还是爱他!
若涵是一个高大英俊的阳光男孩, 有清秀的脸庞, 但最令我着迷的就是那健康的笑容, 可他的手总是那么冷冰冰的, 所以, 我就叫他"冷血动物", 也对, 不然他怎么会对我的一往情深视而不见?
星期天的一大早, 我就趴在阳台上对着他家的窗户大喊:"冷血动物, 起床了!" 我故意把最后的"了"字说得很长, 然后, 只见他怒目圆瞪, 双手叉腰指着我大喊:" 死鱼, 知道了!" 我呵呵的笑着, 做了个鬼脸, 然后匆匆忙忙的拿起两片面包去敲若涵的门, 我早已猜到他开门的表情, 乱蓬蓬的头发, 系错扣的睡衣, 扭曲变形的脸, 尤其是那长大了要骂人的嘴巴, 可怕!!! 我正为我的猜想偷笑着, 忽然门开了, 若涵打着哈欠, 我手中的那两片面包, 说时迟那时快, 就塞到了他的嘴巴里, 呵呵! 万事ok!
他的家就像我的家, 他的父母疼我比疼他多, 尤其是他的东西就像是我的东西, 可以有"借"无还, 呵呵!
突然, 他很神秘的凑近我,"喂! 死鱼, 问你件事?"
"你多大了?"
"16啊!" 我愤愤的看着他, 原来他这么不关心我!
"那我们认识多久了?"
"嗯?" 我沉默 "很久很久了吧!" "是17年!" 他咬牙切齿!
"啊? 我才16呀!" 我疑惑的看着他.
"打你在娘胎, 我就命中注定要被你压迫!" 他斜着眼瞪着我.
"呵呵, 原来如此!" 我笑弯了腰.
每天我们所必须的"功课"就是一起上学, 放学, 开开玩笑, 聊聊天, 偶尔还吵吵架, 这样的日子很美, 很美! 在这样的日子里, 我也喜欢上了若涵! 不过, 他上了大学后, 一切也就变了, 他住校了! 不过, 他会安慰我:"加油! 两年后考到我们学校, 我等你!"
又是"我等你"三个字, 每次他拒绝我时都这么说: 我等你, 我等你! 但为了他, 我还是努力着, 不停的努力着, 我相信总有一天他会接受我的, 我相信!
高三那年, 他突然回来, 呵呵, 原来这个倒霉的家伙病了, 是回来养病的, 我"幸灾乐祸"的去看他, 可是当我看到他苍白的脸, 瘦弱的身体时, 我就忍不住哭了.
"喂, 傻Y头, 哭什么呀?" 他说着用手拭去我的泪, 我握住他的手... 好凉!
"你要快点好, 不然我恨你一辈子!" 我不知该怎么说.
"会的, 放心吧, 死不了的!" 他呵呵的笑着.
大约过了一个月, 他就回学校了, 可脸还是苍白的.
再见到他, 是我捧着录取通知书的时候, 我再也不知道这是第几次义无反顾的对他说:"我喜欢你!" 了, 可是这一次, 他仍说:"我等你!" 只是伸出了他的右手, 在我的眼前晃了晃, 我看见在他右手中指上套了一只小小的戒指, 像是半颗心的样子, "知道这代表什么吗?" 他问.
我摇了摇头, "是心有所属" 他看看我, 笑了.
我恍然抬头, 用不可思议的眼神去观察, 眼前这个忽然变得陌生的若涵, 他好像很幸福! 他心有所属了! 我哭了.
"傻Y头, 你永远是我最爱的小鱼----" 他顿了顿, "小妹妹" 他把我揽进怀, 我挣脱了他的怀抱, 飞快的跑了, 身后只剩下他孤单的身影.
后来, 我一直回避他, 不接他的电话, 不给他开门, 听见他在宿舍窗外喊我, 我会用一个柳丁扔他, 看见他迎面走来, 我会转头就跑.
后来, 他很少找我了, 我努力的平衡自己的心情, 而他努力的学习着, 还用心的交着女朋友.
再后来, 我渐渐想开了, 缘分已定, 也许我们有缘无份吧! 任命吧! 可我是不会放下尊严去跟他讲和的.
我生日的那天, 他突然来了, 再见到他, 我依然会心动, 其实我忘不了他! 其实我还爱着他.... 可是.... 算了......
"有样东西送你" 他说.
我忧郁的接过礼物, 拆开来, 是一只小鱼镶在一个透明的水晶里, 小鱼的脸上挂着两颗晶莹的泪珠, 我一时感动, 哭了.
他以为我想开了, 很开心的样子, 我不希望若涵为难, 只好强装笑颜, 可心里还是酸酸痛痛的.....
他第一次拿着一封淡紫色的信封来找我:" 喂, 大才女, 帮忙看看写的如何!"
"什么啊?" 我疑惑的打开信封.
"是情书啊!" 他呵呵的笑着.
"情书? 你给谁的?" 我恨恨的问.
"当然是我的女朋友啦" 他无视我的感受.
"傻Y头, 你好吗? 真的好喜欢你, 喜欢你爽朗的笑, 喜欢你淘气的样子, 喜欢你淘气的模样........!"
"恶心!" 我暗自骂若涵这封"经典情书".
"怎么样?" 他问 "还好, 不错, 很感人!" 我白了他一眼.
"那就好" 他放心的安慰自己.
"那个女孩真幸福啊, 如果我是她... 我会幸福到死掉的" 我酸酸的对自己说.
之后, 若涵常常拿着这样的信封出现在我的面前. 还总是淡紫色的, 我喜欢的颜色. 该死的! 他有心气我! 看着一封封 "惊天地, 泣鬼神" 的 "经典之作", 我就会想像着一个美若天仙的女孩戴着另外半颗心的戒指依偎在若涵的怀里, 而若涵幸福得快要死掉的样子, 心就莫名的痛......
转眼间.... 一年了, 我还死守着那只水晶鱼, 拒绝身边环绕的"苍蝇".
今晚有流星雨, 若涵突然来找我. "陪我去看流星雨" 他几乎是用命令的语气, 而我并没有拒绝, 隋他去了.
草场上都是一对一对的情侣, 奇怪, 若涵的女朋友呢? 噢, 对了! 她在另一个城市, 这个该死的若涵, 竟拉我做"垫背", 恨死你了! 我暗自骂若涵, 心里很不是滋味.
"快看, 流星雨啊!" 若涵突然很激动的喊.
愣在一旁的我吓了一跳.
"快许愿, 很灵的!" 他说.
"许了什么愿?" 他问, 我笑了笑, 没有回答.
他也笑了, 白净的脸上配着阳光般的笑容... 很好看.
"你长大了, 终于长大了." 他变得深沉 "长大就可以独自面对了" 我不解的望着他.
"知道流星代表这么吗?" 他突然问我.
我看着他, 他也看着我, 然后用右手的食指在我的眉间轻轻的划了一道弧线, "一个结束" 他说.
奇怪! 他的戒指不见了! 难道, 难道他们分手了? 我暗自庆兴着, 希望是真的. 但我却什么也没问.....
"帮我个忙吧" 他突然说, 我点点头.
"帮我收着它" 说着他拿出了一个精致的盒子. "现在不要看, 以后再看" 他把盒子递了过来.
深夜的微风, 有些凉意, 我不禁颤抖, 若涵用外套裹住了我, 我转过身望着他哀愁的脸..... 不禁心疼起来. "若涵, 你怎么了?" 我心里默默的问着自己. 若涵看着我, 欲言又止, 像是想告诉什么似的.
他轻轻的把我纳入怀里, 我不知所措的靠在他的怀里, 泪水不争气的滑落. 死若涵! 臭若涵! 我这么爱你, 为什么你就是不明白? 为什么总在失意的时候才想起我!
他拥着我, 送我回去宿舍.
"进去吧" 他看着我.
"嗯! 再见!" 我依依不舍的转身, 又回头.
他什么也没说, 只是默默的看着我. 这个死若涵, 连"再见"也不说.
"等等!" 他突然叫住我.
我欣喜的回过身.
"这个替我戴着!" 说着他拿出两只戒指套在我的食指上.
我仔细一看, 原来是那颗心... 不, 是两半心.
我默默的伫立在窗前, 只看见一只孤单, 瘦弱的身影消失在夜色中......
再见到若涵竟是在他的葬礼上, 若涵.... 那个优秀的若涵, 那个不爱我的若涵那个我深爱着的若涵.... 竟然死了, 死于血癌!
我不能接受这个荒谬得事实! 但当我亲眼看见若涵微笑沉睡的样子, 眼前一黑, 我的世界一下子什么都没有了, 变得黑暗, 就连我的心也被掏空了.
"若涵一直瞒着你, 其实十年来, 他一直努力让自己在你面前坚强" 这是若涵妈妈的一句话.
我终于明白了, 为什么若涵的脸总是那么苍白.... 为什么若涵的手总是那么的冰冷.... 为什么若涵总是生病.... 为什么若涵不对我说再见.... 原来.... 原来....
在这之后我就病了, 病得几个月不能下床, 病得迷迷糊糊, 病得闭上眼睛就看见若涵的脸, 病得时常在梦中哭醒.
我就此活在回忆里, 那个拥有若涵的回忆里.....
原来我真的失去若涵了, 还不曾拥有就失去了.
今天是我21岁的生日, 若涵离开我已经一年了, 第一次过着没有若涵的生日, 很孤单... 很寂寞.... 看着水晶鱼, 忽然觉得有什么事情忘了做. 我从床下翻出了一个布满灰尘的盒子, 是若涵寄放在我这里的... 我慢慢的打开了那个盒子.....
是那99封淡紫色的"经典情书" 咦? 不对! 是100封... 怎么多了一封呢? 我急忙打开了第100封.....

思琳:
当你看到这封信的时候, 相信也是我在另一个世界最想你的时候, 可爱的女孩, 你已经长大了, 也应该学着坚强, 无论将来如何, 你都不要轻易的哭泣, 知道吗? 我的每一次拒绝都是为了你今天的坚强, 我不想在我离开的时候, 你承受不了, 今生今世, 有你这样的女孩爱我, 已是我最大的幸福, 99封"经典"是为你而写, 因为你是我生命中最经典的女孩, 每一次看到你认真读它们的样子都让我觉得很欣慰, 还有那两只戒指是为你心有所属, 今生我不能等你了, 希望我们还有来生! 来生我一定要你做我的新娘! 一定! 最后只想告诉你.... 我爱你!
"他爱我?" 我跌坐在地上, 泪水模糊了我的视线, "不要! 若涵, 我不要来生, 我只要今生啊!"我紧紧抱住那99封信, 就好像是紧紧的抱住了若涵!
终于.... 我明白了为什么一颗流星代表一个结束. 不! 我要一颗流星代表一个心愿! 忽然, 一颗流星划过夜空, 我默默取下食指上的戒指, 悄悄戴在了无名指上," 若涵, 今生我要做你的新娘... 我等你!" 而夜空下的那只水晶鱼, 依然静静的依偎在水的怀抱中, 两颗晶莹的泪水对流星诉说着一个永恒的爱情故事---

鱼说, 你看不见我眼中的泪, 因为我在水中.
水说, 我能感觉到你眼中的泪, 因为你在我心中........

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它也感动你了吗?
珍惜你身边的人^^

Just to kick-start

2009-07-19T20:38:00.007+08:00

Frankly, my mind is blank now.

I just completed my feature writing and that used up my quota for the day, in fact it's over the quota.

Don't exactly know how or what to blog, there isn't any rules for blogging anyway I supposed.

Argghhhh... can I end here? But it'll make my blog looked stupid like FOREVER.

I'll try, I'll try harder to produce something more in my first blog.

Aha! I think I got a brilliant idea to start off my blog.

Let's talk about CRAP.

I hope you do undestand the meaning of CRAP because I'm officially crapping now and that appears to be the whole purpose for me to have a blog besides stimulating my mind to write something in somewhere or to cultivate writng habits which is very crucial for me as I have realised recently that I really really really need to write more.

You do realised that is a disturbingly long and wordy sentence, don't you?

Well.. to those who wants to write good English, please refrain yourself from doing that because it's NOT good.

I'm doing it only for the mere reason of doing what I cannot do on my written pieces in real life

I have mentioned earlier that I seldom write and all I did was writing assignments and exam papers.

Not writing might sound normal to everybody on earth but it definitely sounds pathetic for those who studied English language.

We are somehow destined to write something with every opportunity that we have and it's a sin for not writing at all.

You must be thinking why is all these related to CRAP but like I said, I'm practically crapping away from the first line to the line that I'm typing now. Enough of the nonsense and welcome to the world of CRAPS!!!